I used to pooh-pooh New Year’s Eve, or at least sniff at it. Part of that reason, I think, is that as a comic, you’re almost always working on New Year’s Eve, or trying to, so it makes celebrating impossible. Also, a few friends of mine and I have, for the last twenty-five or more years, gotten together on New Year’s Day to, well, just get together on New Year’s Day. We do it every year, but not this one.

So tonight I’m doing something I’ve never done before: Stay home. (I was actually going to work, but one of my kids looked sad when I told him, and I remembered how kids love, really love, special events. Sophisticated and worldly adults, like you and me, get jaded and just see it as another night.)

Anyway, my wife is making a dinner for three or four couples and their kids — I know, I know — and we’ll be around here, and that’s grand. And it actually lead me to one of my New Year’s Resolutions.

That’s right, Resolutions. I don’t think I’ve really EVER made any New Year’s Resolutions, maybe a couple in fourth grade having to do with kickball, but for some reason I feel like making several this year. Maybe it’s a terrific way for all of us to reflect on what has been and what will be.

After all, without being maudlin, think of how many thousands of us will be told in 2010 that we have cancer? How many will lose our jobs? How many will lose a loved one? Rise? Fall? Learn? Forget?

So, here are mine:

I RESOLVE to not get so angry at the things my wife likes that I don’t. Like this dinner tonight. It is my male instinct to want to say, “Oh, stop it, already, with the candles and the sauces.” But that is denying her the pleasure she gets from shining the place up and prepping and making and doing. Her friends can watch and approve, I’ll drink with their husbands, the kids will go downstairs and alternate between eating potato chips and beating each other, and everyone will be happy. Sort of.

I RESOLVE to try to relax more. My wife has the ability to lie down here and there during the day, to enjoy the weekends, to take time to herself. I can’t do that, so, naturally, it makes me very mad to see her successfully relaxing. The day starts with me like a pistol goes off, and only ends when I go off. In between is more or less a constantly frenetic pulse of frantic activity and motion, all of which accomplishes very close to nothing. You know, like every other man.

I RESOLVE to sleep more.

I RESOLVE to write more, read more, watch less TV; or at least yell less at the TV.

I RESOLVE to be grateful every second, for every second. I think I’m pretty good on gratitude, but I’m going to turn it up. We should all be more charitable, we should all be more thankful.

I RESOLVE to expect less from people. This will not be difficult. Too cynical? Sorry, but in everything in life all over the world, it seems all I see are stupid, malevolent people, and it’s finally dawning on me that they enjoy being that way and don’t feel like changing. So I’ll stop expecting them to. The next time something horrible happens and one of our local or national leaders says, “Yes, well, we’re going to make sure this never happens again,” I won’t get mad, I’ll just nod sadly and go hug someone. No, I think I’ll spit at the TV first.

I RESOLVE to work hard and try my best at the things I do, and be as funny a story teller as I can.

Good Lord, it’s early in the morning, everyone’s sleeping, I’ve just worked out, and I’m writing this, and my eyes are closing already. Isn’t that sad? The day hasn’t even begun and I’m exhausted.

I hope you have the happiest, healthiest, most prosperous new year. Good luck and all the blessings.

REMEMBER: IF YOU WALKED OUT OF BED TODAY AND HAVE PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT WHO CARE ABOUT YOU… FOLKS, YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOUR OLD YEAR WAS PRETTY GREAT ALREADY.